You want me up HOW early?
the Blood Bowl Tournament the night before, George asked
if I would help him set up tables again this year:
"Sure George. What time?"
"I'll be in the hotel lobby about
quarter to six."
Now, George knows I live on the west
coast. 5:45am Alabama time equates to "Waaay too
#$@!ing early" my time. But hey, George is my
buddy, and The Kalm is not about sleep anyway. So I roll
myself outta bed at o'dark thirty and I swear I can still
hear the crickets chirping.
I stumble downstairs like a drunken
zombie with a peg leg, and the front desk attendant has
some breakfast ready. That woman is a saint! I grab a danish
and some orange juice to keep me on my feet, load up the
car, and we're out the door a few minutes later following
George up the hill to start setting up for the event.
Pub in Huntsville, AL is one hell of a venue. It's like
a classier version of Hooters
with better food and nicer folks. The owner and his crew
were in there, waaaay before their regular opening time,
and helped us get the place ready. Paddy (who would later
go on to win 'Biggest Bar Tab) bought a round of drinks
for everybody and we got to work.
As we were setting up the tables and
terrain, the Knucklehead's crew laid out quite the breakfast
spread on the bar. They had eggs, pancakes, hash browns,
ham, bacon, you name it. To Koshig and the ladies, thanks
again. You guys took really good care of us.
Breakfast on the bar.
Table 1 was seriously
Well, check it out for yourself. George's local gaming
group, the Rocket
City Gamers, has a good selection of terrain to pull
from; but folks from all over the area came together to
lend George terrain and really made the tables something
Have a look at the image on the left, and some of the pictures
of my games further down the page, and you'll get a pretty
good idea of what the terrain was like. I didn't see a single
table where folks would have to fight over "planet
After 3 hours of busting our butts setting up, and a mighty
fine breakfast, it was time to throw down...
My Army List
Boss Dawg's Reddnekk Renegadez
Here's my army list for The Kalm 2012.
When talking on the phone before the event, George says
to me "Bring something other than your usual
Hehehe. You asked for it, George!
Da TATER TITAN is coming your way! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Da Army Uv 'Ardness
- 3 Crisis Suit Teams
- 2 Fire Warrior Teams (1 in a Devilfish)
- 3 Squads of Kroot
- Pathfinders in a Devilfish
- Broadside Suit Team
- 2 hammerheads w/ Railguns
Shawn Lowrey is a good guy, and one hell of a player. The
dude won WAR
Games Con last year so he's definitely a hardcore competitor.
The fact that he also plays in an event like The Kalm says
he also knows how to just hang and take it easy as well.
Shawn is also known as Prodigalson and posted his thoughts
on The Kalm over on his own blog.
At any rate, on to the game. The mission
Uv 'Ardness, which was basically a Pitched
Battle deployment with 3 objectives across the centerline
of the table. One of the objectives was the real one, while
the other 2 were fakes that would blow up in your face when
touched. The real kicker?
The objectives were shot glasses, which
I promptly had filled with Maker's
Mark. There were some other objectives in the game as
well... something about killing the other guy. blah. blah.
blah. Point is... there were three shots of whiskey on the
table, and my goal was to grab all of them, hehehe.
win the roll to go first, and set up my Orks heavily in
the center, with my guys under Force Field cover from my
Big Mek just in case. My plan is to hit the center objective
and the one in the trees on my left early on.
Shawn wisely sets his army up between
the two opposite corners to catch me in a crossfire...
... and then proceeds to Seize the
Initiative on Turn 1. Oh peachy.
Tau getting first turn on me with all
that firepower. Not. Good.
Turn 1 -- Seized!
Orks doin' what dey do best...
... krumpin' an' dyin' :)
for me, I was pretty handy with those Kustom Force Field
saves and all those Tau guns pouring into my line accounted
for one dead Killa Kan and some shaken results on my Battlewagons.
I can live with that. I roll out with my Orks straight toward
the Tau lines and grab the left-hand objective in turn 1
with my Trukk Boyz.
Boom! The thing blows up in my face
and I loose a couple of Orks. No worries, I got a Battle
Point and a shot of Maker's out of the deal. Fair trade.
Over the next couple of turns, things
go about as expected. The Tau fade back shooting the crap
out of me. I charge forward, taking the guns on the chin,
grab the center objective (the REAL one), while catching
and slaughtering what few Tau stragglers I can catch. That
is until turn 4...
when Snikrot's Kommandos, with my Warboss attached, ambush
right into the backside of the Tau firebase on Shawn's right
In the end of turn 3, Shawn had jumped
his command unit a bit too close to the edge of the board.
When Snikrot and Da Boss rolled on the field, that was it
for them as well as a whole squad of Kroot. The Kommandos
took a horrendous amount of firepower in return,
but when the smoke cleared, Snikky and Da Boss were still
The Tau did end up wiping that unit,
but not before the firebase was basically gutted and the
Orks had secured the win. In the end, the Orks were victorious
16-4 in Battle Points, and I gave the last shot to Shawn
since I had slugged down the first two.
Oh the pain!
Some internet monkeys out there may say Tau have lost their
edge, but in the hands of a good player, they can really
lay down the pain. Thanks again for the game, Shawn. Good
luck at WAR Games Con this year, and I'll see you at next
The IG is 'Winning!'
Army: Imperial Guard
- Company Command Squad in Chimera (w/ a $#@!-load of
- Psyker Battle Squad in Chimera
- 3 squads of Veterans w/ Meltaguns, riding in Chimeras
- Infantry Platoon (Cmd. squad and 2 Infantry Squads)
- Vendetta w/ a Special Weapons Team riding inside
- Leman Russ Executioner
- Squadron of 2 Hydras
- Armored Sentinek w/ Plasma Cannon
For game 2, I go up against Shawn Williams and his Imperial
Guard in the Winning!
Mission. This mission was a blast, based on the very
public meltdown between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards.
Some of the highlights of the mission were two opposing
HQ's being named 'Charlie' and 'Denise', whose sole pourpose
in the mission was to kill one another for the 'Domestic
Abuse' objective. Among other funny bits were your most
expensive Forge Org Slot being named the 'Crazy Guy' and
having the ability to go nuts and attack the nearest unit,
friend or foe. Also, the player nominated as 'Charlie Sheen'
could say "Winning!" as many times as he liked
during the game without taking a hit for Sportsmanship.
Too. Damn. Funny.
Shawn goes first in this mission and
lays into me big time with the IG firepower. My 'Ard Boyz
get wiped before they're even able to move, and Da Tater
Titan doesn't last much longer either. The funniest part
of the game was when the 'Crazy Guy' units went berzerk
and attacked themselves. Shawn and I were spot-on with the
rolls, and I don't think there was a single turn where either
of us had control of our nutcase units, hehehe. My most
expensive FOC slot was my Meganobz with the dedicated Battlewagon.
The Wagon was immobilized and shaken in turn 1, so the Meganobz
hopped out, went nuts, and killed it. They then rampaged
through the Vendetta and some IG guys during the later turns.
'Crazy Guy' was his infantry platoon. The entire platoon.
The Chimeras basically spent the game firing away at each
other with multi-lasers. When the vehicles finally blew
up, the infantry squads themselves were killing each other
with lasguns and flamers. It is hilarious in the extreme
to watch an entire IG platoon self destruct like that!
Since Shawn and I were both running
large armies, we only made it to turn 4. By the end, Shawn
had 9 Battle Points and I had zilch!
I think the most humbling moment was
when my Warboss, 'Denise', caught a whole bunch of plasma
shots from 'Charlie' and his cronies. Talk about an ignominious
way to go down.
'Denise' catches it from 'Charlie'
Facing down the IG guns
Army: Imperial Guard
I can't find Shane's army list, so this is from my whiskey-adled
- Command Squad in Chimera
- A couple Veteran Squads in Chimeras
- Infantry Platoon, some squads in Chimeras, some not
- Leman Russ Executioner
- Squadron of 2 Hydras
- 2 Vendettas w/ Veteran Squads
For game 3, I faced down a similar army to what I faced
in the second round. I'm hoping things go a bit better for
me this time around. The mission, Victory
is Mine!, is an old-fashioned Victory Point slugfest,
where you try to lay down as much hurt as you can on the
enemy, while preventing them from doing the same to you.
I win the roll to go first, so I load up in the middle,
and Shane lines up pretty much opposite to me in a typical
IG gunline fashion. After 'Scout-moving' one of his Vendettas,
it's time to get rolling...
... and Shane Seizes the Initiative
on me. For the second time in the day, I get seized on by
a firepower army. Eh, no biggie. I have a fresh drink on
the table to drown my sorrows, hehehe.
my surprise, The IG shooting didn't cause too much damage.
I was doing well with the force-field saves and the front
armor of my Battlewagons also helped quite a bit.
I started rolling into his line, ramming
vehicles with my Deff Rollas and basically making a big
mess. By mid game, I had my 'Ard Boyz into the building
in the center of his line and was laying waste to all and
... until I ran out of guardsman to
kill and the Chimeras opened up on me with their Heavy Flamers.
Rush 'em Lads!
Da Orks tighten the noose!
Sneaky Gitz, with my Warboss in tow, ambushed into the back
of the IG line and boxed 'em in. With all that Orkiness
coming down around their ears, the IG ran out of places
In the end, I out-kill the IG by a margin
of almost 1000 Victory Points. My score for the game is 13
Battle Points, to Shane's 6.
Shane is a really good guy, who runs
a game store fairly close by, and hosts all kinds of events.
He and I shot the breeze a lot about the logistics of running
events and what a pain they can be. Shane, my man, it may
seem like a thankless job at times, but I want you to know
that there are those of us who really appreciate
the trouble you go through. Hats off to you buddy, you really
make the hobby what it is.
At the end of the day, I came in 9th out of a field of 74
players. Not too shabby, considering how hard it is to score
points in George's missions. If I would have payed more
attention to the objectives in round 2, instead of ordering
more drinks, I might have broke the top 3. No worries, there's
always next year...
... where I'll probably do the same
damn thing: party more than play! :)
This year, Paddy again won 'Biggest
Bar Tab' with a grand total of $273. My buddy Mike wasn't
far behind him, but if he had posed a serious threat to
the title, Paddy would've just starting collecting other
people's bar tabs. The guy is HILARIOUS.
I think my favorite award had to be
the 'Best Sportsman' Award won by Donovan, also know by
his alter-ego, 'Slickback'. I played Donovan at The Kalm
back in 2010, and he richly deserves that award. The dude
gets dressed up in a purple suit with an orange tie, and
plays 40k with a lady on each arm. Donovan, you da man!
I can't wait to see your antics next year, bud.
'Slickback' - kickin' it like a boss!
At the End of the Day
The Kalm is always a blast. You don't sleep well, you drink
waaaay too much, and you think about some of your tactical
errors and go "Why the **** did I do THAT?!" Four
Too. Much. To. Drink. :)
As exhausting as it is, I defy anyone
to say they have had a better time at another tournament
than they have at The Kalm. It is so much fun, I travel
over 2000 miles every year to attend. And I don't plan on
quitting anytime soon... unless George throws in the towel.
Every year, George says it will be the
last Kalm. It is quite the logistical headache for he and
his crew to throw this event, and he's just dead tired by
the end of it. It takes him about six months or so to forget
the pain and remember the fun. So George, long about Thanksgiving
or Christmas, we'll talk again and get things ironed out...
... and I'll see ya next year ;)
Back to Day 1